Power in the Pause (The Head Center)
“Life is good, except when it’s not.
I feel great, except when I don’t.
And hopefully, I can experience this moment, fully and deeply.
This is the magic of life.”
In 2014, I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. Right away, I knew if I was to survive, I was going to have to do things differently. Not just act differently, but think differently.
I am a researcher by trade. I also see the world through the lens of the Enneagram Type 7, which sits in the “Head” center, along with the 5 and the 6. This means I’m quick to dive into a world of thought, ignoring instinct and emotion in favor of the rational (or irrational) space inside my head.
Sr. Suzanne Zuercher refers to our head center as a microscope or a telescope. That’s me. I zoom in like a human microscope to understand the intricate details of how something complex works, then zoom way out, turning into a human telescope, up to the 30,000 foot view of where I am and where I hope to go.
I knew what this would mean in the moments following my cancer diagnosis, and I knew where it would lead (nowhere good). So I resisted. I resisted the habitual impulse to zoom in and exhaustively research every treatment option, chemotherapy drug and potential side effect. I also resisted thinking about the future, planning for every possible contingency and treating the years like a chessboard. I have become very adept at the “what ifs.” But in this moment, and in many since, I knew I needed to focus instead on “what is.”
I may be Head-driven, but I also have a Heart and a Gut. Said differently, I have other ways of confronting the challenges of life – other sources of strength that are often more up to the task. I need only engage them. Learning to tame the voice in my Head (and to engage my Heart and my Gut) was the greatest gift my cancer diagnosis gave me.
The Head Center
Our mind is a miraculous and powerful force. It is the window of our human experience, shaping what we see and how we see it. We need this center for analyzing, idea creation, critical thinking and explaining ourselves. However, when left to its own devices, our Head can become a fearful dictator.
Sometimes, the inside of my brain feels like a never-ending game of ping-pong. On one side of the table, paddle in hand, is my past (my memories), locked in competition with the future (my predictions). But when my Head is operating in this way, firing volleys back and forth, there is no room for the present moment. My reality and present circumstance is crowded out by the world of thought trying to make sense of it.
In times of stress, my mind is a ravenous animal. It takes in information, devours it and then seeks more information. It gobbles up memories it deems relevant (but never favorable), then pounces on an impossible prediction, sure it saw some existential threat or possible prey.
Surely you can relate. How often are you working at your desk mid-week, thinking about what you are going to do on the weekend? How often are you with your family on the weekend, but thinking about what you said in that meeting last Tuesday, wondering if it might have offended a colleague, wondering if it might hurt you in the future? Or, as I wrote in a 2018 blog post about my “9 Life Lessons From Cancer”
“Isn’t it amazing that I can be sitting across the table from you in a restaurant drinking wine and eating food and you and I can have very different experiences? Even though our physical surroundings are the same, the way we experience it all is so very different. The words that we say and hear are perceived differently. The server asks us what we want to eat and she may remind me of someone that I knew, or her tone might trigger something that reminds me of the way a teacher used to speak to me and then I am off having my own experience while you are just enjoying the view and thinking of what you want to order for dessert.”
The answer, I have found, is not to control my thoughts. This is impossible. I just need to keep my thoughts from controlling me.
Here are three ways to keep your thoughts from controlling you.
Approach your thoughts like a curious scientist and resist the urge to become your thoughts and stories.
Recognize your thoughts are ever-changing, like the weather. Chances are, what you're thinking now may not be what you think tomorrow. The stories we tell ourselves are powerful, but not permanent. They change as our experience grows (sometimes overnight).
Practice empathy. Every human is having their own experience, and (crucially) it is different than yours. Even if the external environment is the same, the internal landscape can look very different from person to person. (If you aren’t convinced of this, ask your siblings – or your ex!)
Pause the Game
When in doubt, pause the game. Catch yourself whenever possible and shut down, just for a moment, the never-ending game of mental ping-pong. Then, ask both players - past and future, memory and prediction - to invite the present moment to the game and ask it one simple question: Do I know this story I am telling myself to be absolutely true? If you are not familiar with world renowned speaker and author Byron Katie, I highly recommend checking her out. Her method of self-inquiry, referred to as “The Work,” is perhaps the best I have come across for our overworked and weary minds. In “The Work,” Katie encourages us to ask ourselves four questions when stuck in our thoughts and stories:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know it is true?
How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
If that’s not enough for you, here’s a bit of psychology for you from Rick Hanson, writing on negativity bias
Did you know that it takes 15 seconds to imprint a positive experience on our brain, but challenging experiences imprint immediately? In essence, challenging experiences are like velcro (they STICK) and good feelings are like teflon. They SLIDE right off!
There is power in the pause. This is how we redirect the processes of our minds. So the next time you find yourself carried away by a story, when your thoughts seem to be controlling you, simply pause the game.
Your past is important. It has made you who you are. Your future is important, too. It beckons you forward. But the present moment is the only moment that contains you, as you are, right now. Recognize it, appreciate it, and experience it fully and deeply.
This is the magic of life.
In a related article, “Enneamania” and Three-Centered Leadership™, I introduce the idea of Three-Centered Leadership, which is built on the ancient idea of engaging each of our inherent centers of intelligence (Head, Heart and Gut) and combining their powers to tackle the many challenges life throws at us.
